"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away." -George Eliot
The judgement. The comparisons. Me-OW!
Breastmilk or Formula. Natural or Epidural. Organic or Pre-packaged. Family Bed or Ferber. Two children or Six. And the biggest, toughest battle of all: Stay-At-Home or Working Outside.
The prize of the battle? Superiority. 'Cause that's important!
I'm going to confess something to you: I am a reformed Judgemental. I never used to understand why most women weren't just like me, and I was driven nuts by the confusion of it all. There would be times where I'd actually be furious because I couldn't understand why a friend would wean her baby at 6 months and act like it was no big deal!
I've seen the light, I can assure you.
Because I used to be a Judgemental, I can understand what goes through the mind of other judgemental women. Because I'm no longer this way, I think I can help other Judgementals to let go of their isolating ways.
Firstly, here are the 3 reasons why I think we judge other women:
1. Inferiority complexes. It's simple: we judge others to feel better about ourselves. We get our self-worth from things we can measure like looks, talent, ambition, and worst of all, our children. Because we don't understand how to have real and permanent self-esteem, we find someone with whom to compare ourselves, to look down upon, whenever we feel our self-esteem waning.
2. Men. Those dastardly hairy creatures. History tells us that we've always been competing for their eye. They are the pursuers; we bat our eyes and look pur-ty. Naturally, we only let our guard down with women to whom we feel superior. If we've got a good man, we want to keep him. Since we hear about so many philandering men, we perceive them as being like new printer/faxer/scanner machines: loaded up with good features, making us sooo happy when they actually work, but they're liable to go bad at any time, without warning. (Note: I'm mostly joking.) Why make it easy for them by bringing our equally great friends over?
3. Religion gone awry. When people have strong beliefs in something, yay, verily even to the point where they would say they know it to be true, they naturally believe that everyone else should believe it too. Why wouldn't they? If you were absolutely positive that you and all of humanity were going to go to a Hell-like state, or at least not the highest degree of enlightenment, if you didn't pray and go to church and stop coveting thy neighbor's dastardly hairy creature, wouldn't you want everyone to know what you know to be saved from their awful fate? Sometimes, however, while going about this gospel-sharing, religious folks can make someone feel judged. Who wouldn't feel judged when being told, "You aren't living your life as you should." ? I don't think this is on purpose or even always the fault of the religious person. Sometimes other people are just hyper-sensitive around religious people. As someone who's been atheist and Christian (not simultaneously ;-), I've experienced all of this, personally.
The problem isn't with religion or Christianity. The problem is with our humanity. Humans aren't perfect and Christians are human. It's a lot more challenging to be non-judgemental when you have a clear moral code by which you live. If you're someone who thinks that anything and everything is okay to do and be, it's that much easier to be accepting of others, isn't it?
How to Let Go of Our Judgements
(This is pretty long, but worth the read. Of course, I would say that. ;-)
To state the obvious, we all have different personalities, different strengths, different challenges, different in-born talents, different missions, and my favourite, different childhoods.
Even if there is a clear right and wrong when it comes to raising our children, do you think that God [insert your belief here] expects the same outcome from us all? Why would he when we were purposely made to be different? There may be an ideal expected of us all but no one would expect us all to attain that ideal on Earth. We would merely be expected to try-- to do what we can do as well as humanly possible, and keep trying at the rest, when we have sufficient strength.
Now, let's examine an issue with which I used to have very strong, judgemental feelings: staying at home vs. working outside the home.
Oprah covered this issue (poorly) on a recent episode. Never before have I wished so much I could have been there to share my two cents (mainly because they didn't even mention working from home, full-time or part-time, as a middle ground between the two).
A statement frequently repeated on the program was, "You need to do what's best for your and your family."
A lot of women think that they know what's best for someone else's family because it's best for their family, and it's best for their family because God or Science or Logic says so. But even if God or Science or Logic are completely right and women should all stay at home with their children until they go to University, you and I are not women, we are woman. I am a woman, not all of women. I am different from you, with a very unique background (trust me).
If I had a perfect upbringing, and my life followed a perfect timeline where I had time to pursue my own education and talents and interests for a time before having children, and I had a perfect husband with the perfect job-- good income, good hours, little stress-- and my children were perfectly healthy and great sleepers, and I didn't have any mental illnesses, and I had a good support network, THEN, yes, I agree that it would be best that I stay home with my children, at least until they went to school, and be there for them when they come home. That's my belief.
BUT, who has that kind of ideal situation?
The reality is that you can't know everything that is going on in the mind, or home, or history of any other woman. Examples:
- Maybe Jane's mother stayed home and was always depressed and abusive, so now Jane has a deeply ingrained fear of turning out like her mother.
- Maybe Hannah struggles with depression. She's tried many meds that didn't work. Therapy isn't enough; she just ends up feeling like she is the problem and that if she'd just be a better person, she wouldn't feel so depressed. But really, the depression overcomes her, like a shadow sneaking up behind, and suddenly, for no apparent reason. She does feel isolated and lonely at home. She's tried participating in mommy-baby groups but there's an undercurrent of judgement and competition among the moms. The days are long and serve to highlight all her failures. She does the bare minimum to get by because who will know but her if her baby's diaper only gets changed once a day? Every little task feels overwhelming. Her mind is an oppressive, dark cloud. Her baby hasn't learned to smile because no one has set the example. In fact, he cries a lot, feeling insecure, picking up on Hannah's emotions. Hannah would like to assure her baby by relaxing and being happy but she can't because she's so stressed out from all the crying. It's a vicious cycle.
But Hannah's discovered she can break the cycle by stepping out of the house for a while to work. The bustling activity at the office helps keep her on the right track. She likes having tasks that allow her to feel like a success. There are definite goals at work and her progress is measurable by those around her. They appreciate her talent. She thinks that if she left her job, few people would be able to fill her shoes, whereas her baby is incapable of assuring her that only she can raise him. She feels like her baby views her as just a milk supply.
- Maybe Sarah is a member of Mensa. She has a mind full of incredible ideas and finds it frustrating spending half of her day cleaning the same things over and over... If she could spend the whole day actually teaching and playing with her child, she wouldn't mind her at-home life so much but, in reality, every mom knows that to have an orderly home, it takes a large chunk of every day. Sarah can't afford to have someone else come clean for her. She finds her mind growing more dull. She's losing her vocabulary and she wonders, 'Why did God give me such a creative and intelligent mind so that I could spend half the day doing laundry and dishes and cleaning the floor?' and whether wrong or right, she's frustrated and resentful everyday for which, of course, her daughter feels responsible. Sarah's decided to go back to her corporate work. She needs something to maintain her identity as a woman and not just as a homemaker. While she knows logically, that she doesn't need to work full-time to keep up her talents and intelligence, part-time is not given as an option to her right now. It's either all or nothing.
- Maybe Mary waited a long time to find the love of her life. She tried right away to have a baby but it wasn't happening. Finally, after 2 years of trying, she got pregnant. She couldn't wait to stay home with her beautiful baby for whom she waited so long. But, she didn't expect how difficult it would be to undergo such a life change; she'd been living the corporate life for 18 years! She felt like it was a part of her cell memory. Being an at-home mom was such a different pace, she felt like she might as well have become a Tibetan monk. Everyone told her how wonderful it was going to be but, as much as she loved her baby, she was shocked and disappointed at the level of her own unhappiness and scared-- scared of who she would eventually become and whether she could even give her own baby what he deserved. She figured he'd be better off with a happy caretaker who wasn't his mom, for much of the weekdays, than an unhappy mom, everyday.
I made up these profiles but I'm sure there are plenty of moms who could identify themselves in one or more of these examples.
Whether these women were right or wrong, logical or emotional, mature or immature is irrelevant. My point is to merely show how real feelings can be. Too often we think that moms have made casual decisions to go back to work and abandon their children just because they want more money or accolades. Why should they have to explain to us the depth of their confusion and saddness for us to judge them less? Their feelings are personal and no one can ever understand another person's feelings.
There could be ALL SORTS of overwhelming reasons why a mom chooses to work outside the home. We cannot know the reason just by looking at her or even talking to her. She may be too ashamed to share her real feelings. And of course, we cannot accurately judge a situation without every single fact.
BUT, that's not even the point!
Even if a mom says that she can't give up her big house and her fabulous clothes and needs her six figure income to really be happy, and we think that's the most shallow thing we ever heard and wonder how she could think all of that is more important than her own child, IT'S STILL NOT OUR PLACE TO JUDGE. You and I are not her mother or God or even Oprah. It's none of our business. Besides, we may not be hearing the whole truth (as I said already), and we don't know how she was raised. Maybe she was raised very poor in a traumatizing neighborhood, so she's afraid to not have money.
Maybe she IS just selfish! In which case, she's merely imperfect like us. And who are we to judge whose imperfections are worse? We can never know all the facts, all the past history, and all the good things that another mom is doing when you aren't there to watch her with your narrowed eyes.
(I'm not going to address judgement from working moms because in my experience, they are judged more harshly than any moms. This article on Mommy Wars in the Washington Post does speak about that, and covers the whole issue of these mommy wars very well. I highly recommed the read.)
Sometimes, when we think we know what's best, we idealisticly think that we can influence a mom for good. That with a good lecture, or pointed questions, or a passive-aggressive recounting of our own reasons for coming to our [superior] decisions, this wayward mom will feel guilty and change her ways. It's not that we want her to feel bad, but it's for the good of the children!
Unfortunately, even if a mom does decide to change her ways because of our judgemental influence and stay home with her kids, guilt will probably lead to resentment, which can never be good for the children. Tough choice there.
More often than not, our efforts to set a fellow mom on the "right" path will just make her angry. We'll lose a friendship or a pleasant aquaintance. Isn't life too short to be enemies?
There's a War on Women
There's already a war on women! We can see evidence of this in the media with the way that women are overtly sexualized to sell anything and everything. (Click here to see a collage of how women are used in advertisements but only if you can handle the shocking and graphic nature. No nudity, but still very upsetting and since the mind cannot vomit back filth, I thought I should warn you.)
Young girls are being stolen and sold into the sex trade. Women are afraid to walk at night or send their children out even in the day. Violent crimes against women are being i reported more than they were 30 years ago (though that doesn't necessarily mean the crimes themselves are increased, just the reporting).
And if you don't think that pornography is a war on women, you may not be aware of what's really out there and the research that's been done. (Google "men use pornography news"!)
Why further destroy the spirit and psyche of women? Isn't enough being done without joining this cruel army?
A woman is the heart of her family and the family is the central unit of society.
"The family unit plays a critical role in our society and in the training of the generation to come." -Sandra Day O'Connor
"The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society..." -The Universal Declaration of Human Rights
Consider how our effort to make another woman feel badly for her decisions affects her family. Is it possible that when we compete with another woman and wish jealousy upon her and we succeed that we take her energy away from her family and leave her as someone who's now less able to give her best to society?
Positive Self-talk to Overcome Initial Judgements
Even if our inner moral code tells us that our friend or neighbor is doing something wrong, as long as she isn't breaking the law, and it doesn't directly impact our families, it's none of our business.
Rather than dwelling on the negative, we can simply try saying, "Who cares? It's none of my business. I don't have to let it occupy my mind any longer."
I genuinely find this simple statement helpful when judgemental thoughts pop into my mind.
Do we really need to approach situations where there are disagreements in standards by telling other parties that we're better than they are and they should be more like us? Perhaps. More often than not, I think the power to be peaceful lies within our own minds.
Here are a few things we can try to avoid, to help create competition and judgement-free relationships:
- Don't withhold compliments. Tell an acquaintance that she looks especially fabulous today. We'll make her feel good and show everyone around us that we have enough self-confidence to make someone else look good and that we know it doesn't make us any less fabulous to acknowledge someone else's fabulousness.
- Don't question a woman on why she made the decisions she did unless we are prepared to congratulate her for the decisions. It's very difficult to ask someone "Why did you say that?" or "Why did you do that?" without sounding interrogative and judgemental. Most women are pretty sensitive creatures. We can sense when another woman wants more information and if we want to, we'll share that information.
- Try smilling and nodding if we don't agree with something a friend tells us. Even better, find a grain of something on which we agree and focus on that. Then change the subject.
- Work on improving our sense of self and our self-judgements. Improve upon our self-esteem and our outlook on other people will improve.
