"There is no beautifier of complexion or form of behavior like the wish to scatter joy, and not pain, around us." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Self-esteem comes from doing something and accomplishing something." -Sherri Lewis
Have you ever noticed that the more you focus on self-esteem, the worse you feel? The next time you hear Oprah tell you how you need to "Love yourself!" to make yourself a better person, pay attention to how that makes you feel. Does it make you feel like a failure? Or do you wonder, 'How do 'love' myself? What does that mean? Does it mean making time to get a pedicure? Or does it mean thinking I'm hot stuff?'
I've noticed that when I use positive self-talk to make myself feel fabulous, I wind up with a superiority complex. When I try to talk myself down from the superiority complex, I end up feeling small.
Finally, I found the solution: stop thinking about myself! It's a big world out there and believe it or not, I am not the center of it. Shocking, but true.
Comparisons
There's another equally destructive problem with all this self-talk: it inevitably leads to comparisons. How do you know if you are smart, pretty or talented if you don't have a measuring stick of some sort? Other women are collectively such a convenient measuring stick! But if we're going to stoop to such childishness, we need to be prepared for the consequences of jealousy and an inability to make and keep quality friendships.
You know what happens. You are the prettiest girl in the room... until you aren't. There's always someone prettier. Maybe she isn't sitting next to you; maybe she's on the cover of the magazine sitting on the coffee table upon which your feet rest. If your self-esteem depends upon your physical attractiveness, when are you okay and when do you need plastic surgery? If you are determined to decide to feel ugly until you lose 20 lbs or get your breasts done, for your own sake, be happy with yourself once you've reached your goal, or else, when will it end?
Your beauty devil will always tempt you with something. Your jeans are not cool enough. You need to find the right shade of red lipstick like your friend who looks fabulous in red lipstick. Your hair is thin. Your smile is not as white as Oprah's. You don't have muscular arms. You have weird ears. You can braid your toe hair... You will either feel self-conscious about the things you can't afford to fix, or you will waste your life spending time and energy searching for as much perfection as you can find until you reach the point where you're buying into the marketing monster's assertion that you need a "designer vagina"! (That's a whole other rant! In case you haven't heard, yes, women are doing this kind of plastic surgery.)
Is it also possible that women who obsess about beauty also tend to limit friendships to women whom they view as their equals or less? Not only do they limit their own potential but they judge the potential of other's by the same stick! Well, that could keep a lot of great people from your life.
Why can't we just eat well, exercise moderately, find some complimentary make-up and a good hair cut, do our Kegels and not give physical beauty any more attention?
One can't deny that there's a finite limit on what we can do to improve our bodies and that the condition of Romanian orphanages won't improve if your hair is just the right shade of blond.
What's worse, even if you nip and tuck and dye and bleach every little facet of your poor little body, there will be men and women who will still think that you're not the prettiest little creature who ever there was. Beauty is subjective. I adore freckles while freckle-girl thinks they're a curse. I'd love to look like Selma Heyak while my friend thinks that Jennifer Anniston's skinny bod is the bomb. And on and on it goes....
The Infinite Possibility
I read a blog entry from a woman whom I admire, saying that she had no New Year's resolutions because she was perfect as she was. While I think I understand what she meant, where she's coming from and that more women should be like her, I don't believe any of us are perfect. She may have used the term "perfect" loosely. I'm sure that she has moments of impatience with her kids like we all do. I view that as an imperfection, though I'm sure there are philosophy junkies who'd care to debate the definition of perfection.
We can all be a little kinder, work a little bit harder, gain a little more general knowledge, and be a little more patient.
While beauty has its limits, we can always work on being a better human. Beauty affects us alone (okay, and our partners, I guess). Our humanity affects the world.
And while you will never get a unanimous vote as hottest mama, you can be known as someone who never gossips because gossiping is something you either do or don't. You can be known as someone who always makes herself available to help a friend in a bind. You can be known as the most honest person your friends know.
The Secret
Stop thinking about yourself. Stop measuring. Stop analyzing. Or, at least, schedule it in only occassionally and stick to your schedule!
When you're busy thinking of yourself, you're not helping others. When you're measuring yourself, you either come out on top or on the bottom, rarely in the middle. When you're analyzing yourself constantly, you're unhappy.
If you forget yourself and "go to work", you will become a person you can love. Without trying, you will stumble upon that pot at the end of the rainbow. How can you not love someone who makes living easier for others, who's relaxed enough to be able to laugh at herself, who doesn't try too hard but gets it done anyway?
By serving others, whether your family, your friends or perfect strangers, you'll leave your mark. You will feel proud of yourself and all that you accomplished in the same time in which you could have lasered all the hair off your body. People with similar kind dispositions will want to be your friends. They will do nice things for you, things that you could have done for yourself, and you will feel how much nicer and more believable it is to be told, "You're such a great person!" when it comes from a friend than your mirror.
Set some goals of things you'd like to improve upon but don't obsess about them. Take action but don't measure it; stick to dos and don'ts, ams and am nots.
"I do try to be generous.
I am trying not to gossip.
I do try to make other people feel loved."
If you're trying, you're succeeding. It doesn't matter how much less kind you are than your neighbor, as long as you're continually working at being better. Focus on the process, not the goal. For example, if you are wanting to lose weight, don't focus on the goal weight or size. Focus on the progress and the way you feel. Don't you feel accomplished after a work-out, like you mastered your own self? Don't you feel stronger? Focus on how it makes you feel like a better person. Keep at it and before you know it, you'll be closer to that goal size than you would have been if you just kept looking at your skinny jeans from 15 years ago.
The Bottom Line
Self-introspection can lead to self-absorbtion, so don't make it your hobby. We all need to take a look at ourselves sometimes and ask, "Do I like how I am? What could be improved?" But the more we compare, the more chance there is for unfair scoring. Whereas if we get busy trying to be better and more productive people, we won't even have time to be self-absorbed. We will find instead that we're... Gasp! could it be?... happy? ;-)
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From Natasha Clark of PinkPowerSuit.com, Mom's Free Business Mentor and PowerSuit Hosting, Mom's Easy Website Builder.
